Miscellanea | Work Related Jokes


Home | Miscellanea | Jokes

Work Related Jokes-4

Previous | Next

Work Related Jokes-4

1. Smart Cat

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ .Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said.... "Coffee your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet..... ate the cookies..... drank the milk....  sh*t on the paper.....  screwed the other three cats....  claimed he injured his back while doing so...  filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.... put in for Workers compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.......

2. A Naughty House Boy

Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks a little wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. The Boss always has suspicion as for the quality of the wine, so he decides to buy Pastis (a French wine that changes its color if you add water to it).

Next day as usual, Bakari takes a mouthful of wine and add water to replace what he drank.
However, soon after he added water the Pastis became milky. When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure that he had managed to nail Bakari as a thief. At that same moment Bakari realized that he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.

The Boss said to his wife - "Mary, you will see today, he will be obliged to acknowledge." So he calls Bakari.
He shouted: "Bakari!"
Bakari answered: "Yes, Boss".
Boss: 'Who drank my Pastis?'.
No answer.
The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?' Still;
No answer.

The Boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and says to him: "You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?"

Bakari retorted - "It is that Boss, when you are in the kitchen, you don't hear anything at all, except the name."

Then to prove that Bakari lies, the Boss says to him: 'OK, You stay beside Madam here, and I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question". Bakari accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.

Bakari shouted: "Boss"..
He answered: "Yes, Bakari"
Bakari continued: "Who goes in the maid's bedroom when the Madam is not around?"
No answer.
Bakari shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"
No answer.
Bakari shouted again (third time): "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?"

The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says - "Bakari, You are right, it is true. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name!

3. Management

Every day a small ant arrived at work very early and started her work immediately. She produced a lot and she was happy.

One day, the Chief, a lion, was surprised to see that the ant was working without supervision and still she was doing great. He thought if the ant can produce so much without supervision, would not she produce even more if she had a supervisor! So he recruited a cockroach who had extensive experience as supervisor and who was famous for writing excellent reports.

The cockroach's first decision was to set up a clocking in attendance system. He also needed a secretary to help him write and type his reports and he recruited a spider, who managed the archives and monitored his all phone calls. The lion was delighted with the cockroach's reports and asked him to produce graphs to describe production rates and to analyze trends, so that he could use them for presentations at Board's meetings. So the cockroach had to buy a new computer and a laser printer and recruited a fly to manage the IT department.

Now the ant, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated this new plethora of paperwork and meetings which used up most of her time ...! The lion came to the conclusion that it was high time to nominate a person in charge of the department where the ant worked. The position was given to a mosquito, whose first decision was to buy a carpet and an ergonomic chair for his office. The new person in charge, the mosquito, also needed a computer and a personal assistant, who he brought from his previous department, to help him prepare Work and Budget Control Strategic Optimization Plan.

The Department where the ant worked was now a sad place, where nobody laughed anymore and everybody was upset ... It was at that time that the mosquito convinced the boss, the lion, of the absolute necessity to start a climatic study of the environment. Having reviewed the charges for running the ant's department, the lion found out that the production was much less than before. So he recruited an owl, a prestigious and renowned consultant, to carry out an audit and suggest solutions. The owl spent three months in the department and came up with an enormous report, in several volumes, that concluded: "The department is overstaffed..."

Guess who the lion fired first? - The ant, of course, because she "showed lack of motivation and had a negative attitude".

4. Management Lessons From a Robbery

There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone:
"All, Don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".

One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilized. This is a robbery and not a rape."
This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"

When the robbers got back from the robbery, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who was only primary school educated) - "Big Bro, Let's count how much we have got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count all. Tonight the TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank."
This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications."

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly.
The supervisor says - "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed."
This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage."

The supervisor says - "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained - "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, and the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief."
This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold."

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.
This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

5. An Interesting Chat

Our friend was chatting with a female - Online chat. Their background is that both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's --

Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?
Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero : honored, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat
Female: too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.
Hero : OK

(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)
Manager : Hey, I need some help from you
Hero : [**This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me what is it?

Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard. Is it ok with you, if I give it to you by tomorrow evening.
Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for the female to arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Female: Hey, I am back
Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, She's kinda..... keeps asking stupid things, tries to give me stupid work
Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero : Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor
Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.
Female: Hey
Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.
Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth Prime Number, given n. Would
you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real urgent for me to work this out
Hero : Hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check ur mail in an hour from now. ok?


6. Job Interview for Post Office Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says. "I was on Indo-Pak border for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."



Home | Miscellanea | Jokes


Previous | Next

Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13