Miscellanea | Religious Jokes
1. Between Two Thieves
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"
The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died
between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
2. Ride to Jesus
It was on the day after Christmas, that the pastor noticed that the Baby Jesus' figure was missing from the cradle. He got worried to see this, that where the figure could go. So he went outside the church that he saw a 5-year old boy standing near the door of the church carrying a red wagon. And Lo, the Baby Jesus figure was in his red wagon.
The pastor asked him - "Where did you get this figure, my dear son?"
The boy replied - "I got him from the church." "And why did you
take him from there?" The boy again said - "Before Christmas I promised
to Jesus that "If you give me a red wagon as a Christmas present, I will give
you a ride in around the block." He gave me the red wagon, and I took him to
give him a ride around the block."
3. Who Needs the Prayers Now?
A lady came to a priest and said to him - "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say only one thing. They keep aying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
The lady got very pleased, so the next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots were holding rosary beads and were praying in their cage. The lady put her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots. The female parrots immediately said - "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and screamed, "Put your
Bible and rosary away idiot, our prayers have been answered."
4. Sunday School Funnies...
Story of Elijah
Did Noah Fish?
Moses and the Red Sea
The Lord is My Shepherd
Amish Bumper Sticker
Sunday School Message
5. No Such Thing As A Free Lunch...
'The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
6. The Third Fall
A man woke up early in order to have his morning devotion (prayer) in the Lord's house (church). He got dressed, set on his way to the Lord's house. On his way to the church, the man fell and his clothes got dirty. He got up, brushed himself up, and headed home.
At home, he changed his clothes, and was, again, on his way to the Lord's house. On his way to the church, he fell again and at the same spot! He, again, got up, brushed himself off and headed home. At home he, once again, changed his clothes and was on his way to the Lord's house.
On his way to the church, he met a man holding a lamp. He asked the man of his identity and the man replied "I saw you fall twice on your way to the church, so I brought a lamp so I can light your way. The first man thanked him profusely and the two went on their way to the church. Once at the church, the first man asked the man with the lamp to come in and pray with him. The second man refused. The first man asked him a couple more times and, again, the answer was the same. The first man asked him why he did not wish to come in and pray.
The man replied, "I am Satan". The man was shocked at this reply. Satan went on to explain, "I saw you on your way to the Church and it was I who made you fall. When you went home, cleaned yourself and went back on your way to the church, God forgave all of your sins. I made you fall a second time, and even that did not encourage you to stay home, but rather, you went back on your way to Church. Because of that, God forgave all the sins of the people of your household. I was afraid if I made you fall one more time, then God will forgive the sins of the people of your village, so I made sure that you reached the house of God (Church) safely." So do not let Satan benefit from his actions.
Do not put off the good you intended to do as you never know how much reward you might receive from the hardships you encounter while trying to achieve that good. For your righteousness can save your family and nation at large. Do this and see the victory of the lord. If forwarding this message will bother you, or take too much time from you, then don't do it, but you will not get the reward of it, which is great. Wouldn't it be easy just to press "Forward" and receive this reward?
Praise be to God in the highest.
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13