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Religious Jokes-4

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Religious Jokes-4

1. Catholic Shampoo

Shopping at a local grocery store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have a beer, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had an obviously surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
'The curlers are on me.'

2. I am in the Secret Service...

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always used to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

3. Mom, What Are You Doing?

Once, 2000 years ago, Jesus came across an angry mob surrounding a girl who was accused of being a harlot. The crowd were getting ready to "stone" her to death, when Jesus said, "STOP! Who among you is without sin can cast the first stone". Everyone paused. Finally this old lady picks up a rock and drops it on the girl's head. Thunk!!!
Jesus looks at the old lady and says....

"Mom! What are you doing?"

4. Who Is Up There?

A nine year old boy asks his mother - "Maa, Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds - "Well, God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks her again - "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks further - "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers - "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"

5. The LOVELY Ten

What I Learned From Noah?
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...

ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

6. A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a Lawyer

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, 'I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn.' So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, 'There is a cow in the barn. The cow is sacred for me and it's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.'

So, the Rabbi says, 'I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn.' A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and this time it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, because pig is unclean according to his religion, and there is a pig in the barn.

So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. This time it's the pig and the cow.....

7. Define Jesus

Define Jesus
A Jew who spoke Aramaic but is quoted in English.

Wasn't English spoken then?
It was, by Ananias.

Who is Ananias?
The one who said to Caiaphas, won't someone rid me of this scurrilous priest?

That was Becket.
Who was partisan to the Jew.

Who spoke Aramaic?
Everyone did, except Pontius.

And what did Pontius speak?
He spoke Hindi.

And what did he say?
He said to Caiaphas, "Jee aap ko Moksh chaahiye kyaa?"

8. I am in a Mess

When God gave out brains,
I heard Him say 'trains',
And I said 'I'd take the next one'.

When God gave out looks,
I thought He said books,
And I didn't want any.

When God gave out noses,
He sounded like 'roses',
And I ordered a big one.

When God gave out ears,
I thought He said beers,
So I ordered two long ones.

When God gave out chins,
I thought He was pouring gins,
So I said, "Give me a double."

When God gave out legs,
I thought He was offering kegs,
So I wanted two fat ones.

God bless, God bless!
No wonder I'm a mess!!



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13