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Heaven and Hell Jokes-2

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Heaven and Hell Jokes-2

1. How Hot is it in the Hell?

A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of such religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives us two possibilities:

(1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

(2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,"

and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

He was the only student who got an A in his class.

2. There's Only One October...

Two ninety-year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both played and loved baseball all our lives.
Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed and says, "Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven."
"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday!!!"

3. Ducks in Heaven...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

4. Reincarnation As Buffalo

A woman was worried whether or not her recently deceased husband made it to heaven, so she prayed earnestly for God to allow him to speak to her. The conversation goes as follows -

"Fred, Are you there?"
"Yes, Hello Margaret, This is Fred."
"Fred!" she exclaimed. "I just came to know that you made it, and that you're happy. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, It's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered,
"The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. I lack for nothing; the only thing we do, all day long, is eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried with happiness.
"Heaven?" he answered, "Margaret, I'm a buffalo in Montana, God granted us that reincarnation thing we always prayed for."

Another Version - Life in Texas, USA

There were two young lovers who were really into spiritualism and "reincarnation. " They vowed that if either of them died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the world beyond exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, and sunshine most of the time."

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 pm."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I'm a rabbit in Texas"

5. Three Men At Pearly Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He jingled them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter nodded, motioning him towards Heaven.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and after some struggle, he finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man in puzzlement with a raised eyebrow, "And just what do those symbolize about Christmas?"
"These are Carol's."

6. Miraculous Cure

When Marilyn Monroe died and went to heaven, God gifted her to Jesus, His own son.
It was kinda 'mutual reward' for either of them, Jesus was still a virgin, while she was not.

A few days later, God found Jesus wandering alone, in a desolate, blue mood. God asked him - "How come, my son? I gave you one of my perfect creations to enjoy as your heavenly reward and you are still wandering alone. I see you still look sad."

"Dear Lord," explained Jesus, "it went all right with breaking the ice, foreplay and all that, but when we both were naked, I glanced at Marilyn's crotch. and it was healed'.



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13