1. How Large are Heaven and Hell?

After God had created earth and man in his own image, He set up designing heaven and hell.
God now had beside Him, His alter-ego, the man as his best Counsel.
"How big shall I hell make?" God asked man, ponderously.
"Big enough to accommodate all the sinners of thy world, O Lord" answered man humbly.
"And how big should the heaven be, you think?" asked God.
"The same proportion with my body of that part of my body with which I pray thy glory, O Lord" answered man piously.

"But is it not the same size as that part of your body with which you sinneth the most?" questioned God.
"Turn around, O Lord, let me check the fit." And man buggered God.
Since then lawyers have been screwing their clients!

P.S.
God felt so blessed, that He instantly forecast the occupancy and made heaven the size of Vatican city (108.7 acres, 0.17 sq mi; 0.44 kmē) and hell the size of USSR (8,649,538 sq mi, 22,402,200 kmē)!
"Hallelujah, praise the Lord." exclaimed man piously.

2. Good News and Bad News

Two 95-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb".

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose." insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news.."
"Tell me the good news first." said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

3. What Happens in Heaven

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked
side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels.

My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, "This is the Receiving Section. All petitions to GOD said in prayer are received here.."

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world....

We moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section. The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them.' I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally we stopped at the Door of a very small station at the farthest end of the long corridor. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly, doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section," My angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed telling me this. "How is it that there is no work going on here?" I asked.

"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they had asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge GOD's blessings?" I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, LORD."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy people."
"And if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity.'

Also ......

'If you woke up this morning with more health than illness... You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day."
"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."
"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not a normal person, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair."

Ok, what now? How can I start?

"If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all. Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

ATTN:
Acknowledge Dept.: "Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people to share it with."

4. Wise Guy

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.