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Heaven and Hell Jokes-1

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Heaven and Hell Jokes-1

1. Electric Chair

Once a person came to Hell and he was taken to an electric wheelchair for execution. There were several electric wheelchairs there, but there was a lot of crowd for one wheelchair. He asked - "What is the specialty of this chair, why there is so much crowd for this specific wheelchair?"

One person replied - "This chair is managed by Indians. Its manager is an IT person who comes and soon goes for a cup of tea and Samosa (an Indian snack) after checking it. Its executioner is always late and its maintenance person is an unskilled person, so sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Lastly, most of the time this chair is not working because electricity is not there, as there is electricity shortage.

2. Opening a Tea Stall Between Hell and Heaven

Once a Baniyaa (this caste people in India are good in business) arrived in Hell. Yam Raaj (the in-charge of death) asked Chitrarath (Yam's accountant of people's Karm) to check his accounts.

He checked his records. It was perfectly in order, balanced, neither more Punya (good Karm), nor more Paap (sins). Now where to send him? Baniyaa interrupted - "If you don't mind, can I speak something?" Yam Raaj said - "Sure".

Baniyaa said - "Give me a place between Hell and Heaven, I can open a tea stall there."

3. Taxi Driver's Confessions...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a bright shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Tell me who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replied, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and being a pastor I get only cotton robe? How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed [or he sent those people to Me]."

4. Sorry, I couldn't Recognize You

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. A bright light approached her and as she saw the light getting brighter, she saw God in person approaching her. She wondered if He really was God. "Maybe. This is it..." God, the omnipotent as He is, the omnipresent as He is.

God read her mind and said: "No, No, She is not the woman I asked you to bring." Then He went on to explain His messengers that she had another 30 to 40 years to live. The bright light faded away, God had gone, and the woman began to awake on the operating table.

After her complete recovery, the woman decides to stay in the hospital thinking that as she had to live for another 30-40 years, she should look beautiful. So she got a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in to change her hair color. She thought since she had got another 30 to 40 years to live she might as well make the most of it.

After the last operation, as she walked out of the hospital and right in the parking lot, she was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the emergency room. The white light again approached her and finally arrived God before her. She asked, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years to live?" To which God replied: "Rita? Is that you? Oh, dear. I am so sorry, I didn't recognize you."

5. An HR Manager in Heaven

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13