Miscellanea | International Jokes
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at
apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a
rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place
animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything
in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The
LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
'Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.'
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan also have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven and Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake .
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrot shooting .. and now Lars, hengliding ......"
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What are you thinking? What he should have done?
Ans: Her husband speaks English, so no problem!
5. Mohammad in France
Mohammad enters his classroom.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day, Muhaamad?" asked his mother." Muhammad replied - "MY name is not Mohammad, I am in France and my name is Jean-Francois." His mother said - "Ah, Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your Parents? Your heritage? Shame on you ..." And she beats the boy. Then she called his father and he too beats him.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the
bruises, she asked - "What happened my little Jean-Francois?"
6. An Indian Zoo Lion in a Dubai Zoo
In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than a kg of meat a day. The lion thought its prayers were answered, when one day a Dubai Zoo Manager visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to a Dubai Zoo. The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/C environment, a goat or two every day.
On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast. The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained only a few bananas. The lion thought that maybe they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently been shifted from India. The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered.
The lion was so furious that next day he stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, "don't you know that I am the lion... the King of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management? What nonsense is this? Why are you delivering only bananas to me?
The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the King of the jungle а... but... you have been brought here on a monkey's visa."
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13