Miscellanea | International Jokes
1. Copying English Trial in Africa
An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, and the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon. "You'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we've copied your country's legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."
When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.
After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked, "What was the purpose of having a seminude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"
"I really don't know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about 'an excited titter' running through the gallery."
2. How to Beg More in London?
Parvinder and Habib are beggars in UK. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder, but only collects £2 to £3 every day. Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day Habib said to Parvinder - "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
3. Fire In East London
In a run-down part of East London, a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.
A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time 'benefit cheats' lived on the first floor... all six tragically perished in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegal in the country, lived on the second floor... they too, all perished in the fire.
Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor... they too, died.
But the middle aged Indian couple who lived on the top floor miraculously survived.
The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights Activists, Black Community Leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation.
Why was just the Indian couple saved? Questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was National and indeed International news.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned, stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until all of the Emergency Services had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.
A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local Chief Fire Officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Indian couple lived.
One bemused Chief Fire Officer quietly replied... "Because they were both at work."
For its Indian version see "Fire
in Mumbai, India"
4. Revocation and Repossession Order by Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In a momentary fit of anger, following the announcement of the shut Down of the Government of the United States of America, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has issued the following letter to all citizen of United States of America :
To the citizen of the United States of America.
In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and your inability
to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which Her Majesty does not fancy). The entire Trans-Atlantic territory of America will be administratively treated at par with the Royal estate in Falkland Islands.
Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. The Congress and the The Senate will be disbanded. A brief questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year ... only to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect :
2. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour",
"favour" and "neighbour" etc words.
(3) There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
(4) Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up "vocabulary").
(5) You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
(6). July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
(7) You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists.
(8) Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
(9) All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good.
(10) All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect.
(11) The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") of roughly $10 / US gallon. Get used to it.
(12) You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
(13) Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
(14) The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
will be referred to as Lager.
(15) Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
(16) You will cease playing "American" Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you who are brave enough. will in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).
(17) Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn to play cricket.
(18) You must tell us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad.
(19) An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
(20) Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 10/21/13