Miscellanea | General Jokes
1. Dad at Mall
I took my dad to a mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and found dad staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his
response; knowing he would have a good one. And in his classic style he did
not bat an eye in his response - "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son.'
2. $ 10
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. So he approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money of this jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. But he still asks... "What are the three tests?" "You must pay first...... That is the rule," says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "Okay," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it. Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands. Third - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!"
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do
it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, "Where's
the damn tequila?" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as
he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it
in fifty-eight seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull
chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling and biting, and screaming...
then nothing but silence! Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers
back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and bleeding all
over his body. He says..." Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
A woman in a hot air balloon realized that she was lost. She reduced her altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted - "Excuse me Sir, Can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied - "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees West longitude.'
"You must be an engineer." said the lady balloonist.
'Well," answered the balloonist - "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded - "You must be in management."
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to the position where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air within. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems, and you are prompt to blame others for your fate and stupid deeds!"
Another Similar Joke
A pilot was lost in mid-air. He brought his chopper near the terrace of a high rise building where he could see a man and asked him - "Where am I?" The man answered that he was in a helicopter.
The pilot could guess where he was from this answer and made his way to his destination. Now, how could he find his location and his way to his destination?Answer - He got a technically correct but practically useless answer. So he guessed that the person answering him must be employed with Microsoft and the high building must be its headquarters in Seattle.
4. Death of a Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning" said the young man.
"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away", said the old lady. "I haven't got any money. I'm broke", and she proceeded to closer the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door, and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty", he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet he brought for this purpose only.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning."
5. Energy Drinking...
A couple of drinking buddies, who were airplane mechanics, were in the hanger in Los Angeles.
It was fogged in and they had nothing to do. One said to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that'll kinda give you a buzz."
So, Bill and Bob drank jet fuel, get smashed and had a great time. The following morning, Bill woke up and figured his head would probably start pounding as soon as he stood up.
But it didn't. He felt good. In fact, he felt great - no hangover! Bill's phone rang, it was Bob.
"I feel great too! You don't have a hangover?"
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13