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General Jokes-3

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General Jokes-3

1. Some Odd Jokes

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
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Miles Davis was known as Kilometers Davis in Europe. - Steven Wright
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Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit any porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhat slpeling was ipmorantt.

[In this passage only the two letters, the initial and the ending ones, are the same; only the middle ones are jumbled up.]
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If Bruce Lee had been born in Malaya (country), how would you have called him?
Ans: Malaya Lee
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Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?
Ans: Simple, the runway was only 25 ft long but a mile wide.
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A military memo: "You are not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."


2. If You Love Someone....

THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

THE NEW VERSIONS.....

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone, Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Biologist :
If you love someone, Set her free,
She'll evolve.

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love( m_she))
m_she-free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Dental hygienist :
If you love someone, Set her free,
She'll be back when the cavity strikes.

Fascist:
If you love someone, Set her free..
She WILL come back or be shot.
She WILL be yours or be shot.

Finance expert :
If you love someone, Set her free .............
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Go-getter:
If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, go get her !

Hunter:
If you love someone, Set her free ...
Don't even wait until she comes back, go hunt her down!

Impatient:
If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.

Lawyers:
If you love someone, Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Old-Fashioned/ Conservative:
If you love someone, Set her free,
But only if chaperoned by her parents.

Optimist :
If you love someone, Set her free ............ .....
Don't worry, she will come back.

Paranoid:
If you love someone,
When you let her go, she'll be out to get you.

Pathetic :
If you love someone,set her free,
If she comes back, okay!
if she doesn't, how could she!

Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back

Pessimist :
If you love someone, Set her free ............ .....
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Playful :
If you love someone, Set her free ............ .....
*If she comes back, and if you still love her, set her Free again" repeat *...*

Possessive:
If you love someone, Set her free?   NEVER!

Sore-looser :
If you love someone, Let her go,
If she comes back, dump her!
If she doesn't, make up bad stories about her

Statisticians :
If you love someone, Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Suspicious :
If you love someone, Set her free ............ .....
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

If you love someone, Set her free ...
but get someone to follow her.

Weatherman :
If you love someone, Set her free,
If she comes back, it's back!
If she doesn't... who cares!

Bill Gates :
If you love someone, Set her free ..............
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees, BUT
Tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Shwarzenegger's fans
If you love someone, Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!


3. Suspect Ultimate: A Cock's Story

A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock - "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity."
Young cock - What do you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired."

Old cock - Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you at least with some?"
Young cock - "No! Not even one, all of them will be mine."

Old cock - "In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all."
Young cock - "OK, But what kind of competition?"

Old cock - "A 50 meter run - from here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you will allow me to start off the first 10 meters."
Young cock - "No problem, we will compete tomorrow morning."

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might. Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed himself - "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week!"

 

 

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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Contact: sushmajee@yahoo.com
Modified on 09/24/13