Miscellanea | General Jokes
1. Remedy for Constipation
A construction worker goes to the doctors and says - "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examined him and said - "Lean over the table." The patient leaned over the table, the doctor whacked him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sent him into the bathroom.He came out after a few minutes and said - "Doc, I feel great, what should I do now?" The doctor said - "Stop wiping with cement bags"
2. You May Try Again
A young unwed girl discovered that she was pregnant. Scared, she confided this 'news' to her mother. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother said, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picked up the phone and made a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stopped in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit stepped out of it and entered the house.
He was welcomed in the living room. All, the girl's father, the mother and the girl herself, sat with him. He said to them - "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I should do?"
At this point, the father, who was silently listening to him placed his hand firmly on the man's shoulder and said to him - ""You can try again!"
3. CAT scan
A lady woke up one morning and discovered that her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in his clinic. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked him. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said - "Let me see. There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. He said - "Well, that confirms that your dog is dead.'
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed and said - "How much do I owe you?" "That will be $1,100.' the vet replied. 'I don't believe it." screamed the woman. 'What did you do that costs $1,100?"
"Well", the vet replied - "$100 for the office visit and $1,000 for the cat-scan."
4. After I am Gone...
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said - "I am sorry, I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order. The woman was shocked to hear this, but managed to compose herself and walked into the waiting room, where her daughter was waiting for her.
She said to her - "Well, Dear daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. Eventually some of the woman's old friends approached them They were quite curious as to what those two were up to.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end - "I Have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were also sorry for her, they expressed their condolences to the woman, and they had a couple of more martinis with her.
After the friends had left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Mamma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told Your friends that you were dying of AIDS." The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
5. Conversation in an Elevator
An attractive girl and a handsome man stepped into the same elevator.
The girl thought perhaps he didn't hear her correctly, so she repeated it once again - "TGIF" and once again the man replied "SHIT".
Finally, the girl explained - "Sir, TGIF means Thank God it's Friday!" Stepping out of the elevator, the man smirked and said - "SHIT means Sorry Honey, it's Thursday."
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13