Very Very Punny
A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . .
They fought tooth and nail.
A thief who stole a calendar . . .
got twelve months imprisonment.
Acupuncture : . . .
a jab well done.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle.
He just didn't have the balls to do it.
I was going to look for my missing watch,
but I could never find the time.
I used to have a fear of hurdles,
but I got over it.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
Police were called to a daycare,
where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
He drove his expensive car into a tree
and found out how the Mercedes bends.
I used to be addicted to soap, but
I'm clean now.
A new type of broom has been invented,
it is sweeping the nation.
When William joined the army
he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder
and got a little behind in his work.
I wanted to lose weight so I went to the paint store.
I heard I could get thinner there.
Lightning sometimes shocks people
because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period.
It marks the end of his sentence.
A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me,
that I could do it with my eyes closed.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations
because they don't believe in higher powers.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
It's raining cats and dogs.
Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.
My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends,
but then what would be the point?
A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.
Really it was just a play on words.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and
I'll show you A-flat minor.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.
The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology.
Some people's noses and feet are built backwards:
their feet smell and their noses run.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't
I was arrested after my therapist suggested that
I take something for my kleptomania.
I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the Sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type-O.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have
nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer.
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Never fall in love with a tennis player because to a tennis player, love means nothing.
Should you ever need an ark, I Noah guy.
One Word Puns
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: a helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official