Miscellanea | Jokes
1. A Magician In trouble
In Melbourne, a magician is seeking the help of the public after his
suitcase of tricks vanished into thin air from the boot of his car; he found
all tool of his trade - silver magical rings, silk scarves, a magic
coloring-in book and a red waistcoat, all vanishing into thin air...
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
1. The Old Nun:
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site
noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time
with them to correct their ways.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the
men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "And
do you men know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steel workers yelled down "Why?"
2. Burial in Jerusalem:
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they
were there, the wife passed away.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"
The husband replied, "Long ago, I heard that a man died here, was buried
here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"
3. 40 Years of Marriage:
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant..
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
Moral: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are females.
4. Cannibal Story:
A Cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price
difference for the Politicians?"
5. Talking Parrot:
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
6. The Deaf Bookkeeper:
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks are,
that he has embezzled from me."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
7. Party Crashers:
The host at a party was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea.
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood. Then he asked "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty-five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave. This is
a birthday party!"
8. Conversation with God:
Man: Can I ask you something?
Man: What is for you a million of years?
Man: And a million dollars?
Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
9. Governance System
As a daily habit, 15-year old Pintu was reading newspaper.
Suddenly he asked his father, "Dad! What does it mean by 'Governance System'?"
"Its Like..." father said while thinking, "See! I earn and bring moneyto home, means I am a 'Money Holder'. Your mother decides where and how to spend that money and that means she is 'Government'. That maid in our home is doing all the household works, so she will be 'Labor Class'. You are a 'Common man' or 'Public'. Your kid brother is ‘Future' or the 'Next Generation', understand?".
That day Pintu slept with all those thoughts. In the middle of the night he woke-up because his kid brother was crying. He had wetted the mattress so he was crying. Pintu went to wake up his mother. She was in deep sleep so Pintu went to the Maid's room to wake her up. But there his father was sleeping with the maid, so he came back with frustration.
Next morning father asked Pintu, "Hey Pintu Darling! You understood
the 'Governance System' now?".
10. Seasonal Pass
The dean addressed the students on the first day of college: "Please note that the female dormitory is out of bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking the rule will be fined Rs.100 for the first time, Rs.200 the second time and Rs.500 the third time. Any questions?"
Pappu piped in from the back row: "How much for a season pass, Sir?"
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/23/13