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Work Related Jokes-8

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Work Related Jokes-8

1. Explanations for Taking a Nap

Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the last management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" ("SLEEP") you learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is broke...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
2. "Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. "Amen"

2. Wine Taster

In an alcohol factory the regular taster of alcohol died, so the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away? So they tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red wine, a muscat, 3 yrs old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That's correct", said the boss.

He was given another glass. After tasting it he said - "It's red wine , cabernet, 8 yrs old, grown on a southwestern slope, matured in oak barrels." "That is correct." The Director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought a glass of her urine. Alcoholic tried it and said - "It's a blonde's, 26 yrs old, 3 months pregnant. And if you don't give me the job, I will tell who the father is?"

3. Analysis of an Accident

There was a manager, an engineer and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said - "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said - "No that would take too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here. I will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said - "I think you're both wrong. I think we should all push the car back, up the hill, and see if it happens again."

4. Legend of the 8 Monkeys: a true version

Management : 8 Monkeys (based on an actual experiment conducted in the UK)

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

Now, one of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him, calling him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who is grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

Thus, one by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Now the set of eight new monkeys are in the room. None of them has ever been sprayed by the ice water. None of them has ever attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why. This is how any company's policies get established.

5. Socialism

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said - "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan.. ."
All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A... (Substituting grades for dollars - something closer to home and more readily understood by all).

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B.
The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.

As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
To their great surprise, ALL FAILED.

The professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that.

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read. And all applicable to this experiment:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it! and most importantly. ..
5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Short Jokes

Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, Sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat outside.

A donkey was rated as "star performer" for he lived up to his already high performance standards. Soon he was over burdened with work and always under pressure and now is looking for a NEW JOB.
The donkey soon realized that money alone was no fun and wanted to play a Dog now and soon got a job in a 24 by 7 employer which meant that he had to work only for 7 minutes in 24 hrs and the rest of the time he had to pass the blame on to his co-workers.



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13