1. Chartered Accountant's Answers

Prove : 2 / 10 = 2

Chartered Accountant: it is very easy
TWO / TEN  =   WO / EN
(W=23rd letter, O=15th letter, E=5th letter & N=14th letter)
=23+15 / 5+14
=38 / 19
=2

CAs never ask?..  Answer kyaa hai? (What is the answer)
They only ask:  Answer Kyaa laanaa hai. (What answer has to be brought?)
That is Chartered Accountant.

2. An Important Medical Alert...

The Centre for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. Trusting you will do the right thing.

P.S. If you have developed immunity from WINE and BEER, then as a last resort, take a course of Viral Antidote for Contagious Anxiety - Taxing Incessant Overwork Neurosis (VACATION) which is for 2 weeks.

3. Actual Letters Received by Welfare Department)

These are actual statements taken from cards, letters and forms received by public assistance agencies.

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had 7 but one died which was baptized on a sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can't do a thing until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
11. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
12. My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.
13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
14. I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn't done me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.
17. (In response to the question, "Why have you applied for public assistance?") My husband left me last month and I am in need of an ass.
18. Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job of begging in October.

4. Some Leave Applications

"As I am not suffering well, I may be permitted to sanction you casual leave".
G Balasubramanian

Infosys, Bangalore : Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

Oracle, Bangalore : To perform the Mundan ceremony (fist head shaving) of his 10 year old son: "..as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."

CDAC. : Leave-letter for his daughter's wedding : "..as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

HAL Administration Dept : "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 O'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave."

A leave letter : "I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to the headmaster : "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today."

Another leave letter written to the headmaster : "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note : "I am enclosed herewith..."

Another one: *Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

Another leave letter : "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave."

Letter writing : "I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.

A job application : "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'; ... As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post..."

5. Stand in Line

A crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry man pushed his way to the desk, slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on the flight & it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent, a nice little girl replied, "I'm sorry Sir, I'll be happy to help you but I've got to help these folks first, then I'm sure, I'll be able to work something out for you."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing through out the terminal, "We have a passenger here at gate number 3, WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone of you can help him to identify himself, please come to the gate, thank you."

With the folks in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and shouted, "F**K YOU."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry Sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."

6. Efficient Insurance Agents

There were three insurance agents talking at a tea table boasting for their companies' efficiency.
One agent said - "Our company is so efficient that we pay the money to the dead person's people next day."
Another agent said - "Our company is much efficient than yours. We pay the money to the dead person's people just after his death."
The third one said - "Our company is very efficient. Once one man got slipped from the 20th floor. We were on the 4th floor. When he came near our floor, we handed over his check to him."

7. How Does a Professional Wish Success to Others?

A Plumber : may you tap your talents and explore every faucet of yours !!!!

A Principal - abide by your principles and you've got it all !

A Carpenter- may you nail it at the first attempt

A Sweets Maker (Halwaaee) : the Sweet Success be yours !

An Accountant: May you get credit for your hard work!

An Astronaut: Reach for the stars!

A Philosopher: May your Karma run over your Dogma!

An Electrician. .May you always be in the circuit

A Chartered Accountant - may your Balance Sheet always tally with name and fame !

An Editor : May you always make the Headlines Today and enjoy the Times Now...

A Painter : May your life be filled with all colors.

A Mountaineer : May you scale great heights...

A Dentist....may you always drill gold..