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Work Related Jokes-2

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Work Related Joke-2

1. The Corporate Language

"We will do it"   means 
"You will do it"

"You have done a great job"   means
"More work to be given to you"

"We are working on it"   means
"We have not yet started working on the same"

"Tomorrow first thing in the morning"   means
"Its not getting done....  At least not tomorrow !"

"After discussion we will decide - I am very open to views"   means
"I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

"There was a slight miscommunication"   means
"We had actually lied"

"Lets call a meeting and discuss"   means
"I have no time now, will talk later"

"We can always do it"   means
"We actually cannot do the same on time"

"We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline"   means
"The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

"We had slight differences of opinion"   means
"We had actually fought"

"Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you"   means
"Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

"You should have told me earlier"   means
"Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

"We need to find out the real reason"   means
"Well I will tell you where your fault is"

"Well... family is important, your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected"  means
"Well you know..."

"We are a team"   means
"I am not the only one to be blamed"

"That's actually a good question"   means
"I do not know anything about it"

"All the Best"   means
"You are in trouble"

2. I Want a Raise

These are the two letters to and from an employer.

The Employee wrote to his Employer:

Dear Bo$$,
A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
$teven $oh

The Employer replied to his Employee:

Dear Steven,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
NOrman NOn

3. A Zoo Story...

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts it.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, at which point the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! You're gonna get us both fired!"

4. Did You Read The Memo?

Memo from CEO to Manager:
Today at 11 o’ clock there will be a total eclipse of the Sun. This is when the Sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the Sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the Sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo from Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will make the Sun disappear for two minutes. This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe and as usual, it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to Staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.

The staff talked among themselves - "Did you read the memo, it is so interesting."

5. Future CEO Material

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

The boy asked, "Ma'am, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?"
The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
"Ma'am, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied boy. The woman responded that she was very much satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn. The little boy found more perseverance and offered - "Ma'am, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North Palm Beach, Florida." Again the woman answered in the negative.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said, "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job." The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance and the job I already have.

6. Salary Theorem...

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:    Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:  The less you know, the more you make.



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13