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USA Jokes-2

Real Life Silly Situations

1. Half Dozen - 6 or 9

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets." said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have 6, 9, or 12, no half dozen." was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered for 6 McNuggets.

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

2. Bar Code on Divider

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items that a lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register to place it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed with other people's things.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her - "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

(3) Shopping on the Internet

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy'.
(keep shuddering)

(4) Car Remote

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied - "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk...."
(PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself)

(5) Photocopy of Plain Paper

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said - "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use paper from the photocopier." the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
(Brunette, by the way)

(6) Ant killer

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.
Then the mother says - "I just gave him some ant killer......"
Dispatcher - "Rush him in to emergency."
(Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid)

7. Abbott Costello Nailed it

Costello: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
Abbott: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

Costello: That many people are out of work?
Abbott: No, that's 14.7%

Costello: You just said 7.8%.
Abbott: 7.8% Unemployed.

Costello: Right 7.8% out of work.
Abbott: No, that's 14.7%.

Costello: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.
Abbott: No, that's 7.8%.

Costello: Wait a minute. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?
Abbott: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

Costello: If you are out of work you are unemployed.
Abbott: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

Abbott: No, you miss his point.

Costello: What point?
Abbott: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

Costello: To whom?
Abbott: The unemployed.

Costello: But ALL of them are out of work.
Abbott: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

Costello: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment?
Abbott: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

Costello: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
Abbott: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. Our govt  doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.

Costello: That would be tough on those running for reelection.
Abbott: Absolutely.

Costello: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
Abbott: Two ways is correct.

Costello: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
Abbott: Correct.

Costello: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
Abbott: Bingo.

Costello: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
Abbott: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

Costello: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
Abbott: Now you're thinking like Congress.



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 10/08/13