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General Jokes-14

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General Jokes-14

1. Why (can anyone give the answers)

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
A: ... to avoid a costly 'lawsuit of negligence' from the convict's family and lawyers ---
       funded by the taxpayer through the State Legal Aid!

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
A: ... to ensure they are able to properly navigate to their target!

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when we complained about the heat in Summer?
20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

1. I say no to drugs, They just don't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. When everything comes in your way, you're in the wrong lane.
5. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
6. Born free, taxed to death.
7. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
8. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
9. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
10. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
11. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
12. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
13. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
14. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
15. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
16. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
17. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
18. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon.
19. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
20. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
21. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
22. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.
23. Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers - The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
24. Someday is not a day of the week.

2. They Walk Among Us

(1) One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked Up at the sky and said, "Where"?

(2) I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

(3) My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

(4) I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "So Now?" she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

(5) While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it to cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

Some More "They Walk Among Us"

American Politician's GK : An airport ticket agent offers some examples:

(6) I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

(7) I got a call from a Kansas Congressman' s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts..'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa, Sir '' his response -- click.

(8) A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

(9) I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

(10) An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation chart and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

(11) An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am, and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

(12) A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?" He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal),
and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

(13) A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

(14) I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

(15) Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

(16) Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa too. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this, she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

(17) A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

"The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply was? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?




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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13