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General Jokes-13

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General Jokes-13

1. Some Short Jokes

1. Alee Baabaa and the Forty Thieves are now Ali Baba Thirty Thieves. Ten were laid off.

2. Batman and Robin are now Batman and Pedro. Batman fired Robin and hired Pedro because Pedro was willing to work twice the hours at the same rate.

3. Iron man is now "air-pooling" with Superman to save fuel costs?

4. A director decided to award a prize of Rs 1000 for the best idea for saving the company money during the recession. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to Rs 100.

5. Women are finally marrying for love.... and not for money.

6. The only "deposits" being made on a Ferrari are the ones made by birds flying over them.

7. If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

8. I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

9. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

10. Never try to drown your troubles... Especially if she can swim.

11. Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

12. Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out.

13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

14. By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.

15. Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we usually wouldn't have.

16. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

17. There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

18. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

19. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

20.  Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

21. They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.

1. Q: With the current market turmoil, what's the easiest way to make a small fortune?
    A: Start off with a large one.

2. Q: What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
    A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

3. Q: Why have Dubai real estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning?
    A: Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.

4. Q: What's the difference between an American and a Zimbabwean $?
     A: In a few weeks time....... .......nothing.

5. Q What's the difference between a bond and a bond trader?
      A. A bond matures.

6. Q. Did you hear Goldman Sachs has a new cafeteria?
      A. It is called the Warren Buffet.

7. Q: What is the Capital of Iceland?
      A: About 70 cents.

Advertisement In A Shop:
Guitar, for sale........ Cheap....... . strings attached.

Ad In a Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...
I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way....

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions...

Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business....
My own: Sign at a barber's saloon in Muzaffarnagar, UP, India
             "Zulf Taraash"

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Some Funny Headlines

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jay walkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falling Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

1. Update on the Japanese Banking Crisis -
According to our inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it is getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded. We are hearing that Sumo Bank has one belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 employees at Karate Bank got chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank too, that some staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

2. A concerned customer asked his stock broker if the recent market decline and volatility worried him. The broker told him that he has been sleeping like a baby. "Really?" replied the customer. "Absolutely," said the broker, "I sleep for about an hour, wake up, and then cry for about an hour."

3. Recession Bumper Sticker -
The recession is worse than a divorce. You lose half of your fortune and still have your wife.

4. The Difference between Communism and Capitalism -
In communism we nationalize the banks and then push them to bankruptcy. In capitalism we push the banks to bankruptcy and then nationalize them.

5. A priest, a rabbi, and a mortgage broker were all caught in a shipwreck. Sharks were soon circling around. The sharks ate the priest. The rabbi started praying fervently, but to no avail, as the sharks ate him as well. The mortgage broker is really getting worried, as a shark was coming for him. But, instead of eating him, the shark puts him on its back, carries him to the shore, and lets him off. The mortgage broker asks, "How come you didn't eat me too?" And the shark replied, "Professional Courtesy!"

6. two old friends meet and one tells the other about his son's engagement and how he was pleased about his new daughter-in- law's people. His friend enquires about them...

"What does the girl's father do?"  ...  He is in hardware.
"What does the girl's mother do?"  ...  She is in software.
"What does the girl's brother do?"  ...  He is in footwear.
"And what does the girl herself do?"  ...  She is in underwear.



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13