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Doctor-Patient Jokes-2

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Doctor-Patient Jokes-2

1. Fees for CAT Scan

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. The vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's heart. "I'm so sorry; your pet duck has passed away." The distressed owner wailed "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," the doctor replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The doctor rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. The woman looked on in amazement as why the dog was there, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took him away. He then returned with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its its head to toe and back again.

The cat sat back, shook his head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The doctor looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, Madam, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certified, a dead duck."

Then the doctor turned to his computer, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The woman, still in shock, took the bill. "150 Dollars?" she cried. "150 Dollars, just to tell me that my duck is dead?"

The doctor shrugged. "I'm so sorry. Madam. But if you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been only 20 Dollars. But the bill increased with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it all adds up. I am extremely sorry for this."

2. Doctor! Doctor! Give Me the News!

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor Who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could come used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope, I bent down to retrieve it, and I noticed the preacher under the bed."

3. Help Me, Please!

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."


A couple went to a sex therapists office at ABC Hospital. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us having sex, for your expert analysis?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." and charged them Rs.300.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an Appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor and Then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married And we can't go to her house - I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Oberoi Hotel charges Rs 2,500, Taaj Hotel charges Rs 2,000, Le Meridian charges Rs 1,500. We do it here for Rs 300, and I get that back from Medi-claim.

5. The Duck

Three doctors are out shooting and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses, and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm. Green wings, yellow bill, quaking sounds . . . . . .might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot, but the bird is long gone.

Then a third bird flies over. The surgeon raises big gun and shoots. Almost without looking, he brings the bird down and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

6. Prescription to Kill

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not, No, You CANNOT have any cyanide from me, at least."

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me before that you had a prescription."



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13