1. Top 15 Work Related Humor

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned -- couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but I wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was as a Musician,
but eventually I found that I wasn't noteworthy

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, I was at a job in a Shoe Factory;
I tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but I discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Somehow I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian --
until I realized that there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT
AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THIS JOB!

2. Marketing

A professor of Business Management explained the Marketing to his MBA students like this -

(1) You see a gorgeous girl in a party, you go to her and say - "I am rich, marry me." That is Direct Marketing.
(2) You attend a party and your friend goes to a girl and pointing to you says to the girl - "He is very rich, marry him.: That is Advertising.
(3) Girl walks to you and says - "You are rich, can you marry me?" That is Brand Recognition.
(4) You say - "I am very rich, marry me." and she slaps you, that is Customer's feedback.
(5) You say - "I am very rich, marry me." and she introduces you to her husband, that is Demand and Supply Gap.
(6) Before you say - "I am rich, marry me." your wife arrives on the scene - that is Restriction From Entering the New Market.

3. How Do Companies Kill a Lion?

Accenture Method:
Hire a lion.
Take his CAMS assignment 2 times a year followed by Performance appraisals.
Ask him for lots of My Leanings on line
Send him to Chennai / Hyderaabaad / BLG; but yes dont give him/her his/her home town.
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time or give him/her projects .
No good food, No water.. and specially no Beautiful girls - only attitude of HR girls.
And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion if he is a tiger or a lion

Capgemini Method:
Hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat
The lion dies before joining.

Cognizant Method:
Hire a lion ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
Give him 65 Gobhee to eat again and again.
Hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit, however give them the same amount 65 Gobhee to eat
Hire 200 more. and more, and treat them in the same way.

COSL Method:
Hire a lion .
Tell him to merge with Goats (Polaris) and reduce his allowance
Lion dies from fear that tomorrow he might become a goat.

HUAWEI Method:
Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion
Give him work of 3 Lions
Tell him to work late and even on weekends, no time for food and family,
Lion automatically die

IBMs method:
Hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour
He dies of unemployment.

i-Flex Method:
Hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari for implementing flex cube in God forbidden territories,
Tell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion)
Holy cow dies in fear of the real lion.

MBT Method:
Hire the lion,
Make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.
Lion dies of the strain?

Polaris Method :
Hire ..sorry. purchase a lion (COSL) ..
Change his timings (instead of 9 AM change it to 8:30 AM )
Cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
Lion dies from fear of becoming a CAT..

Syntel Method:
Hire a Cat
Assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and make sure that he never reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion.

TCS Method:
Hire a lion
Give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary
Lion dies of hunger and frustration.

Wipro Method:
Hire a Lion,
Give him a mail Id.
He will die receiving stupid mails all day..!!!

THE LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST

INFOSYS Method:
Hire a lion..
Send him for training to Mysore and make him feel like a king of the Jungle.
Make him take Generic Compree exam, Lion turns into cat
Make him take Stream Compree exam, Cat turns into a mouse
Send him into production which has nothing to do with what he learned in the training
Mouse runs here and there for help!!!
Send him mails telling about mandatory certifications
Mouse commits suicide:-)

This is how software engineers die in India!!! OMG!!!