Miscellanea | Work Related Jokes
|Work Related Jokes-4|
Work Related Jokes-4
1. Smart CatFour men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men
turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said.... "Coffee Break.....do
your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet..... ate the cookies.....
drank the milk.... sh*t on the paper..... screwed the other three
cats.... claimed he injured his back while doing so... filed a
grievance report for unsafe working conditions.... put in for Workers
compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.......
2. A Naughty House Boy
Bakari is a house boy who every day drinks a little wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. The Boss always has suspicion as for the quality of the wine, so he decides to buy Pastis (a French wine that changes its color if you add water to it).
Next day as usual, Bakari takes a mouthful of wine and add water to
replace what he drank.
The Boss said to his wife - "Mary, you will see today, he will be obliged to acknowledge." So he calls Bakari.
He shouted: "Bakari!"
Bakari answered: "Yes, Boss".
Boss: 'Who drank my Pastis?'.
The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?' Still;
The Boss went to fetch Bakari from the kitchen and says to him: "You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?"
Bakari retorted - "It is that Boss, when you are in the kitchen, you don't hear anything at all, except the name."
Then to prove that Bakari lies, the Boss says to him: 'OK, You stay beside Madam here, and I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question". Bakari accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.
Bakari shouted: "Boss"..
The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says - "Bakari, You
are right, it is true. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything,
only the name!
Every day a small ant arrived at work very early and started her work immediately. She produced a lot and she was happy.
One day, the Chief, a lion, was surprised to see that the ant was working without supervision and still she was doing great. He thought if the ant can produce so much without supervision, would not she produce even more if she had a supervisor! So he recruited a cockroach who had extensive experience as supervisor and who was famous for writing excellent reports.
The cockroach's first decision was to set up a clocking in attendance system. He also needed a secretary to help him write and type his reports and he recruited a spider, who managed the archives and monitored his all phone calls. The lion was delighted with the cockroach's reports and asked him to produce graphs to describe production rates and to analyze trends, so that he could use them for presentations at Board's meetings. So the cockroach had to buy a new computer and a laser printer and recruited a fly to manage the IT department.
Now the ant, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated this new plethora of paperwork and meetings which used up most of her time ...! The lion came to the conclusion that it was high time to nominate a person in charge of the department where the ant worked. The position was given to a mosquito, whose first decision was to buy a carpet and an ergonomic chair for his office. The new person in charge, the mosquito, also needed a computer and a personal assistant, who he brought from his previous department, to help him prepare Work and Budget Control Strategic Optimization Plan.
The Department where the ant worked was now a sad place, where nobody laughed anymore and everybody was upset ... It was at that time that the mosquito convinced the boss, the lion, of the absolute necessity to start a climatic study of the environment. Having reviewed the charges for running the ant's department, the lion found out that the production was much less than before. So he recruited an owl, a prestigious and renowned consultant, to carry out an audit and suggest solutions. The owl spent three months in the department and came up with an enormous report, in several volumes, that concluded: "The department is overstaffed..."
Guess who the lion fired first? - The
ant, of course, because she "showed lack of motivation and had a negative
4. Management Lessons From a Robbery
There was this robbery in Guangzhou, the robber shouted to everyone:
One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please
be civilized. This is a robbery and not a rape."
When the robbers got back from the robbery, the younger robber (MBA trained)
told the older robber (who was only primary school educated) - "Big Bro,
Let's count how much we have got", the older robber rebutted and said,
"You very stupid, so much money, how to count all. Tonight the TV will
tell us how much we robbed from the bank."
After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to
call the police quickly.
The supervisor says - "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".
The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the
bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only
count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained - "We
risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, and the bank manager took 80
million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be
educated to be a thief."
The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC
shares are now covered by this robbery.
5. An Interesting Chat
Our friend was chatting with a female - Online chat. Their background is that both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's --
Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)
Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number,
Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Female: Hey, I am back
Female: Hey, can u do me a favor
Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED YOU WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW
WHO I AM!! --- YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!
6. Job Interview for Post Office Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies,
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me to be here until 10:00 AM?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13