1. An American Prayer on Thanksgiving Day

I am thankful for the wife who says, "Hot dogs for supper"
Because she is home with me, not someone else.

I am thankful for the husband who is on the sofa being a couch potato,
Because he is home with me and not out at the bars.

I am thankful for the teenager who is complaining about doing dishes,
Because she is at home and not out on the streets.

I am thankful for the taxes I pay,
Because it means I am employed.

I am thankful for the mess to clean after a party,
Because it means I have been surrounded by friends.

I am thankful for the clothes that fit a little too snug,
Because it means I have enough to eat.

I am thankful for my shadow that watches me work,
Because it means I am out in the sunshine.

I am thankful for a lawn to mow, windows to clean and gutters to fix,
Because it means I have a home.

I am thankful for the complaining I hear about the government,
Because it means we have freedom of speech.

I am thankful for the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot,
Because it means I am able to walk and I have been blessed with transportation.

I am thankful for my huge heating bill,
Because it means I am warm.

I am thankful for the pile of laundry and ironing,
Because it means I have clothes to wear.

I am thankful for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day,
Because it means I have been able to work.

I am thankful for the alarm that rings early in the morning hours,
Because it means I am alive.

2. The Three Kick Rule...

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?” The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!” The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

When you are educated, you believe only half of what you hear.
When you're intelligent, you know which half.

3. Know Your State's Motto

Alabama - Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona - But It’s A Dry Heat.
Arkansas - Literacy Ain’t Everything.
California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special
Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois - Please, Don’t Pronounce the "S"
Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana - We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine - We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.

4. Teacher Arrested

A public school teacher was arrested at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle.''

When asked to comment on the arrest,
Senator Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."
Democratic leaders told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Senator.

When asked to comment on the arrest,
President Bush said, "If God chose me to be the Prez of His own country without my having ever had Math Instruction, it is obvious that these weapons of math instruction are totally useless."
Republican leaders told reporters they could not recall a more helpful gesture from anybody so far that would enhance the chances of McCain's victory.