Miscellanea | Indian Jokes
1. An Indian Migrated to America
An Indian migrated to America, and moved into an American neighborhood. His American neighbor went next door to wish him welcome. He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.
The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till the next day, he went on with other stuff. The third day, he was determined to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. Seeing this, he became disgusted and went up to the Indian man. "I'm sorry sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" He yelled at the Indian.
The Indian looked confused and answered. "Sorry Sir, I think you
are mistaken. These are actually American customs, not Indian. I was told,
that in order to be a true American, one has to chase chicks, get piss drunk,
and listen to bullshit."
2. An Indian Arrived in America
An Indian guy named "Anantraman Subbaraman " arrived at the New York airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hours for the authorities to call his name.
He got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet. They said that they have been calling him for the last 2 hours as "Anotherman Superman", but nobody was replying."
A young second generation Indian in the US was asked by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwalee" to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...
" So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him. But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or something... Since he was going, for like, something like more than 10 years or so... he decided to get his wife and his bro along... you know...so that they could all chill out together. But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary shit... really man...they had monkeys and devils and shit like that. But this dude, Raam, kicked with darts and bows and arrows... so it was fine.
But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called Raavan, picks up his babe (Seetaa) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, was our man, and also his bro, Laxman, pissed... all the gods were with him... So anyways, you don't mess with gods. So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys... Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just go along with me, ok...
So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys whip this gangsta's ass in his own hood... Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the forest... and anyways... it gets kinda boring, you know... no TV or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch a ride back home... and when the people realize that our dude, his bro and the wife are back home... they thought, well, you know, at least they deserve something nice... and they didn't have any bars or clubs in those days... so they couldn't take them out for a drink, so they, like, decided to smoke and shit... and since they also had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was pretty cooool... you know with all those fireworks....
Really, they even had some local band play along with the fireworks... and you know, what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding.., that was the very first music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th of July stuff, but just, more cooler and stuff, you know. And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival started."
The mother fainted..
FACT: Prophet Muhammad [PBUH] was a priest's orphan, an illiterate epileptic paedophile driven by greed of 'monopoly over priesthood', who craftily invented an 'invisible' God 'Al-lah', [meaning "Mr NO"] and united all the 'have-nots' of Medina against the rich Jews with the lure of 'divine plunder' or 'booty' as Allah's gift -from which he took a 20% cut as Allah's self-proclaimed messenger; who preached and practiced xenophobia and genocide by terrorism under the wicked cowardly doctrine of 'war is deceit!'
American Version: Moch'madamania! Enjoy and Forward!
"So, like this dude Moch'mad, was a priest's orphan, like, and nobody to teach him manners, so like he was an illiterate a big lusty paedophile and; was kind of a bitch and like, a greedy bastard, and he craftily invented an 'invisible' God 'Al-lah', and his people like, sussed him that he was after some kinda 'monopoly over priesthood', like, so they put an ASBO on him and deported him from their town."
"But this clever little bastard, like, turned into some very bad gangsta, the jerk called himself a Profet, or Professor of some shit, a loud-speaker of one "Mr NO", and like came up with the coolest idea like 'plunder' or 'proceeds of crime' were some kinda Allah's gift or whatsitsname 'prasad', and the bugger took a 20% cut from it! Clever!! He first ganged up all the 'tapori-punters' and, like, made an army of sleves, and like, this dude says to the rich Jews of Medina: "you join us, become like us or we kill you and screw your women and boys!" And he, like, did exactly that.
And, my! Did he take some revenge on Mecca to what! He took his gang to Mecca, for like, pilgrimage, and surprised them and kicked their sorry ass for the ASBO they put on him, wow!
And his war cry doctrine was 'war is deceit'! wicked!! Totally. stinking shit, this dude.
4. Why Indian Students Are Disliked Abroad?
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
"Very good. Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for
the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
The teacher snapped at the class,
"Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country,
knows more about our history than you do."
At that point, a student in the back said,
"I'm gonna puke."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone
said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
The teacher fainted. And as the class
gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're
5. If Kejriwal Becomes CEO of Microsoft
Amusing Things would have happened if Arvind Kejriwal is appointed as the CEO Of Microsoft.
Recently, Indian born Satya Nadella was promoted to the post of CEO of Microsoft. While both traditional and social media are abuzz with debates, consequences, factors, pride and puns, we join the bandwagon with a slightly hypothetical route:
What if, instead of Satya Nadella, "Aam Aadmi’ Arvind Kejriwal was made the CEO of Microsoft?
These 15 disasters will strike Windows users worldwide.
1. Office Assistant will wear a muffler. Remember the cute little paper-clip floating around office documents? It can’t stay naked in Dilli ki Sardi, muffler zaroori hai.
2. Kejriwal will
sit on Dharanaas to protest against Adobe Reader updates that show up
3. There’ll be donate buttons on
4. Microsoft Antivirus will stop scanning at 40%, coz Kejriwal is a true Engineer. 40 means pass. Every true engineer will appreciate the fact that “40 means pass”. Kejriwal is no exception to this universal rule. Even in Delhi elections, he scored a clear 40% (28/70 seats). So there’s no point scanning for viruses after 40%.
5. Microsoft Logo will be changed. This one is fairly logical. The gaps between the 4 blocks of the logo are meant to hold jhaadoos (brooms). Utility over Dikhaawaa (Appearance). Also Kejriwal is against improper allocation of Real Estate.
6. Windows won’t let you install
7. He’ll hold World Upgrade Darbars to
determine whether to upgrade Windows or not.
8. Somnath Bharti will be appointed the Head of Support Team. He’ll crash into your home without invitation and fix your PC. Somnath Bharti is a workaholic. His only prerogative in life is to make sure your Windows don’t crash and it runs smoothly. He’ll go to any length to protect you. (Psst. He might even intrude your privacy. But it’s for your own good Pagale)
9. Almost 99% of Indians will be behind bars. Piracy.
10. Skype will be renamed as AAP Connect. Kejriwal’s feet are on the ground (“Zameen”-Pe), so he can’t tolerate a name like “Sky”- Pe. So it’ll be renamed to AAP Connect.
(p/s - The "AAP Connect" video has been removed from YouTube for reasons unknown)
11. You’ll get a free muffler to keep your PC safe. Instead of Antivirus, you’ll get a muffler. Don’t ask why.
12. User will have to file RTI to know cricket scores. Kejriwal is so honest that he is paranoid about believing anything the media claims. So Windows will have an inbuilt feature to file an RTI to know cricket scores. Ingenious!
13. Windows will come only in one ‘common’ version: Windows Mango. Everyone should be treated equal. ‘Nuff said.
14. MS PowerPoint will
be renamed as MS WeakPoint.
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 02/18/14