Miscellanea | General Jokes
1. Three Government Contractors...
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys, how did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official
And so friends, is how it all works!
2. Caring With Hair...
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist is very pleased with the barber's generosity and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there was a "Thank you" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is also very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there was a "Thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there was a "Thank you" card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful" etc etc.
Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I'm sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is also very happy and leaves the shop.
When the next morning, the barber goes to open up, and what does he see there..., waiting at his door..., ...are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
3. Rascals of the Road
There was once a truck driver who was almost always on the road. One day, as usual, he was driving along a route that he had done a few times before. On the way he saw a man dressed from head to toe in yellow color dress. He seemed to him waving and motioning to him to stop his truck, with the intention to help him he stopped his truck and asked him - "Hi, How can I help you?" "Yes, I am the Yellow Rascal of the road and I want something to drink and I want it now." "Oh, sure, just relax." said the truck driver and went into his truck, looked around and found a soda can, which he handed to him, and then continued on his way.
A while later, along the same highway, he came across a second man who this time was dressed from head to toe in red dress. Again, this man was signaling to him to stop. So, wondering what this man wanted he stopped his truck. He again asked him the same question - "Hi, can I help you sir?" "Yes, I am the Red Rascal of the road and I want something to eat and I want it now." screamed the red-dressed man. "Alright, Alright, relax, let me see if I have something for you." He went into his truck, looked around and found a sandwich. He handed it to him and then continued on his way.
Some more time passed and again he came across a guy who this time was dressed from head to toe in blue. "Oh My God, Not another one of these idiots," the truck driver said to himself. "I don't care what he wants, I am not stopping my truck this time." So he started driving his truck at a faster speed.
But of course this blue-dressed man was very persistent. He jumped into the middle of the road, held out his hands in a "I want you to stop" kind of way and screamed. "STOP YOUR TRUCK."
The truck driver had to use his brakes. The vehicle made a loud noise and stopped. The driver ripped open his door and ran over to the blue-dressed man quite angry as you can guess. He shouted at him - "Let me guess, You are the Blue Rascal of the road. What the heck do you want now?"
The man in blue replied: "Your license and registration please."
4. What's Your Business?
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers - "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required", answered the cowboy. "You showed up here, even though nobody called you; you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are than me; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is not the herd of cows, this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13