Miscellanea | General Jokes
1. Dog Bite
One fall day, a guy was out raking leaves and he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, and behind that was a man walking sadly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. The guy's intrigued, so he went up to the man following the second hearse, and he asked him, "Who's in that first hearse?" Man said, "My wife." Guy says, "I'm sorry. What happened to her?" Man says, "My dog bit her and she died." Guy then asked, "Who's in the second hearse?" Man said, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her too and she died as well." Guy walks silently next to the man for a while and then said, "Can I borrow your dog?" Man says, "Get in line."
2. The Dinner Party
A group of country neighbors wanted to meet together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors house each month. Of course the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay.
She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because
they are too expensive."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ole Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.
Ole' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. The dinner went first class. After everyone had finished food they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now." and he left.
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time the town lady came in again and said, "You know, that truck driver that ran over Ole Spot never even stopped.
3. A Bank Robbery
Excerpt from an article that appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
4. The Airplane
After an British Airways flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain
of the airplane activated the public address system and announced...
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
293 from London Heathrow, flying non-stop to Toronto. The weather ahead of us
today is good, so sit back, relax and enjoy ...
Silence followed .......!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom... "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I frightened you. As I was speaking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of tea in my lap."
Then he added, "You should see the front of my trousers!"
5. Jungle Adventure
In 1873, a team of German explorers and their three dogs decided to penetrate the heart of the South American jungle. After twelve years, they had set up a fort in an Incan town, the centerpiece of which was a large idol with a huge ruby for an eye.
The German church had sent out their best man, Friar Wilhelm Werks three times to check on the progress of the fort, and each time the appearance of the idol had sent him into fits of screaming, complete with shouts, curses, and rending of garments. Each time, he screamed so loud that he sent the dogs running for cover. And each time, he left with a warning that the next time he visited, the idol had better be torn down.
The commander of the fort, Hans Brickner, received a message that Werks would be coming to visit again in a fortnight. He quickly called a meeting with his top commanders. All five agreed that the Friar would explode when he saw the idol still standing.
"But," said Commander Brickner, "there's nothing to be done. If we take down the idol, we will anger the local tribe, and without their cooperation we're dead."
His second-in-command, Herr Kommandant Wagner said, "In that case, we'd better make sure we put the dogs away."
"You know how scared the dogs get when Friar Werks goes off on the Fort of Jewel Eye."
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13