Miscellanea | General Jokes
1. Strength Against Age
A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said, "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied, "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then,
nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
2. The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criterion did they use to define whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
3. What If I Did Not Buy Them....
There were three people boasting about themselves.
One of them said - "I was nothing. I started with a mechanic's job and today I have my own factory and I build many cars."
The other man said - "Well, I was just a street seller, and today I am the biggest salesman of cars."
The third one said - "You are nothing in comparison to me. If I did not buy your cars, think yourself, what would you be?"
4. Witness Knows Everything
In a trial, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was an old elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize that you cannot do anything for anybody. Yes, I know you." The Lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."
5. And You Thought Spam Was Bad...
A man left Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife had already gone on a business trip and was planning to meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find his diary, as he was in hurry, in which all his e-mail addresses were written, he did his best to type her e-mail address in from his memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note reached to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell dead on the floor. At the sound of her scream, her family members rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your
P.S. Sure is hot down here."
6. Am I Marrying an Atheist?
A young lady came home from a date, very sad. Her mother asked her "Why are you so sad?" She explained to her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he told me that he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe that there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. We both together will show him the Hell."
7. I Will Buy Both of Them
A butcher, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. "That will be $6.35," he told the customer.
"That's a good price, but it really is a little too small for me," said the woman. "Don't you have anything larger?"
Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again, and said to her, "Take this one, it is a bit bigger than the previous one. This will cost you $6.65."
The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision... "You
know what," she said, "I wish to buy both of them."
8. Excuses, Excuses...
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13