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8-If They Made Toasters
I found the following write up on a website of in 1998, but now it is not there. I liked it very much so I printed it from there, and now I am reproducing it for those who missed it.

If IBM made Toasters...
   They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting.
   IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters...
    You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
     Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
     The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters...
    The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it.
    Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If University of Waterloo made toasters...
    They would immediately spin off a company called WarToast.

If ParcPlace made toasters...
   Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

If Oracle made Toasters...
    They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it
     home, you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three 
     years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing  smoke.

If Sun made toasters...
    The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?...
    They made good toasters in the 80's, didn't they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
    They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Tendem made toasters...
    You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

If Thinking machines made toasters...
   You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters...
    They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
    It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
    Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an
    unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government
    documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters...
    Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get
     at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters...
    The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
     conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters...
    They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters.. .
    "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
    Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted
    Civil War pewter toaster.

If CostCo made toasters..
    They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

And, of course :

If Microsoft made toasters...
    Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the
    toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence
    requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of
    the space in  your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you
    want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made
    them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good
    bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...
    It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 06/10/13