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Scientific Jokes-1

1. Why Isaac Newton Committed Suicide

Once, Newton came to India and watched a few Tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done. In the movie of Rajanikant, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid.

Here are a few scenes ---

(1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody' s surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live Rajanikanth!

(2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife. Guess, what he does? He throws the knife at the middle gangster? shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster the knife kills the middle one.

(3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah? not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... the gangster dies...

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!

The' climax' finally arrives. Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax. (Newton Daadaa is smiling since it is virtually impossible?) Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

2. Einstein's Speech

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

3. Engineers' Conference

All types of engineers were debating at a conference:
"what type of engineer God must be to design the Human Body."

The Mechanical engineer, with a spring in his stride, spoke first. "God must be a mechanical Engineer. Look at the body shape, the joints, shoulder-mobility, hip-stability. muscles, levers, tendon-pulleys. God IS a mechanical engineer."

The metallurgist murmured a voice of dissent: "Going by the mineral composition of the body, all I can say is God ought to be a Metallurgcal Engineer." The metallurgist sat down among some hesitant nods of approval.

The Electrical engineer took the podium next, flashing his flashlight: "Sure, Good mechanics in human body, solid minerals. But what moves those muscles, those bone-joints, limbs? They are immaculately wired by the intricate network of white nerves, supplied by red-arteries, drained by blue-veins! God must be an electrical Engineer."

The IT engineer was quick to interrupt, waving his mobile phone: "And what processor programs and controls the nerve-muscle hardware, the blood-lymph power supply, I ask! The brain: more complicated than the most complicated processor in the word! No doubt, God must be an IT Engineer."

The Nuclear Scientist, who was the guest of honor contributed his view: "The human body is nothing but an organic nuclear-plant that converts everything it consumes into toxic waste. But I see, no one here gives a fart." The conference organizers set the air-conditioning exhaust on full at the very moment.

The civil engineer, who had been calmly munching on his 120-300 Kivaam Zaaffaranee Paan all this time, spat out a red jet and slowly lumbered to the podium to speak. "Come on friends! What are you talking? Think for a moment. God MUST be a civil engineer. Who else would think of "putting the toxic waste pipeline through a recreation area"?

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle draw the most interest.

4. 7 Engineers and 7 Doctors

7 Engineers and 7 Doctors are going from Pune to Mumbai. So both groups gather at Pune Station. Both groups are desperately trying to prove their superiority.

SCENE 1 (Pune - Mumbai):
7 engineers take only 1 Ticket and 7 doctors buy all 7 tickets.. Doctors are desperately waiting for Ticket Checker to come...... When TC arrives, All 7 Engineers get in one toilet so when TC knocks, one hand come out with the ticket and the TC goes Away.... NOW on return Journey All of them don't get a direct Train to Pune. So they all decide to take a passenger till Lonavala, from there they can easily get a Local to Pune.

SCENE 2 (Mumbai - Lonavala): Doctors decided, "this time we will prove that we too are equal".....All 7 Doctors take 1 Ticket Engineers don't buy any ticket at all .... TC arrives.... All doctors are in one toilet. All engineers are in the opposite one. One engineer gets out and knocks the door of Doctors' toilet, One hand comes with the tickets, he takes the ticket and comes in Engeneers' Bathroom...! TC drives out all the doctors from the toilet and they are heavily fined.

SCENE 3 (Lonavala): ! So now both the group are on Lonavala station. Doctors planning their move for last chance, they board the local to Pune. This time doctors decide that they will play the same (1 ticket) trick. All Doctors take 1 ticket... Engineers buy all 7 tickets this time... SO TC Comes.. All Engineers showed their tickets Doctors are still searching for toilet in the Local train....... .....!!

Conclusion: Technically intelligent people are geniuses, don't mess with Engineers.

5. Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers #1
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #2
What is the difference between mechanical mengineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #3
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #4
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?

Understanding Engineers #5
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's fine.

6. A Scene in 2020...

Operator: Hello Pizza Hut.
Customer: Hello, can you please take my order?
Operator : Can I have your multi purpose Aadhar card number first, Sir?

Customer: Yeah, Hold on..... My number is 889861356102049998- 45-54610
Operator : OK... you're.. . Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. You are calling from you home number now.

Customer: (Astonished) How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : We are connected to the system, Sir.

Customer: I wish to order your Seafood Pizza...
Operator : That's not a good idea Sir.

Customer: How come?
Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, Sir.

Customer: What?... What do you recommend then?
Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it.

Customer: How do you know for sure?
Operator : You borrowed a book titled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week, Sir.

Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then.
Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs. 2,450.

Customer: Can I pay by credit card?
Operator : I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs. 1,51,758 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.

Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator : You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've exhausted even your overdraft limit.

Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator : About 45 minutes, Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle.

Customer: What?
Operator : According to the details in the system , you own a motorcycle registration number 1123.

Customer: "????" (hmmm.. these guys know my motorcycle number too!)
Operator : Is there anything else, Sir?

Customer: Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator : We normally would sir, but based on your records, you're also diabetic... In the best interest of your health, we are holding this offer for you.

Customer: ***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!)))
Operator: Better mind your language sir. Remember on 15th July 2007 you were imprisoned for 2 months and fined Rs.5,000 for using abusive language against a policeman... ?
Customer faints...... .



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 10/31/13