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Religious Jokes-7

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Religious Jokes-7

1. Why Aren't You Afraid of Me?

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church pews. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, 'Yep, I sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure I am not." said the man.

"Don't you realize that I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid of me?" asked Satan.
"Nope." said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "I have been married to your sister for 48 years.

2. Never Sell That Cow

There once was a 94 year old nun, back in the 1890s whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

3. Why Are the Jews So Smart?

Because they got Ten Commandments, But How?

Once God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, " What are Commandments? Can you give us an example?"
God said - " For example .......... Thou shall not kill."
The Arabs were shocked - "What? - Not kill? No way! Killing and massacring innocent people is our birth-right and the only reason for our existence. No, we are not interested."

So God went to the Jamaicans and said - "I have Commandments."
The Jamaicans also wanted an example.
God said - "For example ........... Honor thy Father and Mother."
The Jamaicans were dismayed. They said - "Father? Yo maan! Can't tell for sure who our fathers are, maan!"

So God went to the Mexicans and said - "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example.
God said - "For example ........... Thou shall not steal."
The Mexicans were flabbergasted. They said - "No steal? No steal? Hey Senor, we no steal then how we live, huh? Gracias, but no!"

So God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French also wanted an example.
God said - "For example ........... Thou shall not commit adultery."
The French were stunned. They said - "What? Not commit adultery.... ... ? Non, non, non. Non Monsieur. Pardonne аnous. We, French, must have romance."

Then God went to Indian politicians and said "I have Commandments."
The politicians who have never heard about it asked for an example.
God said - "Thou shall not exist in corrupt ways."
The politicians were stunned and declined the offer.

So God went to the Jews and said - "I have Commandments."
The Jews asked - "Commandments? How much do they cost?"
God replied - "Nothing. They are free."
The Jews answered - "Good. We shall take all!"

4. Brain Transplant

Son - "Papa, Have you heard of the man that transplanted a brain from one monkey's head to another in America?"
Father - "Yes, My dear son. He even claims that it can be possible in man also."
Son - "Papa, What would happen of a priest, if he gets a brain of a robber?"
Father - "He would offer sacrament in the morning, and carry a gun in the night."

5. Judge and the Judgment

In a small town in India, a person decided to open up a Bar, which was right opposite to a Temple. The Temple and its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed.. .. However, when the Bar was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The Temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation and prayers was ultimately responsible for the ill fate of his dream project, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the Temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar's burning down. As the case made its way into court, the Judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire Temple and its devotees that doesn't."

6. Praise the Lord

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'Praise the Lord!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "There is no Lord!" Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "Praise the Lord! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, Oh Lord!" The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.

"Praise the Lord!" she cried out - "He has provided groceries for me!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted : "There is no Lord, I bought those groceries for you!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted again in a louder voice - "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with the groceries and made the devil pay for the."

7. New Name

A pastor baptized Fred and dipped his head in water three times. After dipping his head the third time, the pastor said to him - "You are a new creation now; your old creation is gone. No more drinking alcohol. Your new name is David."

David went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Budweiser beer bottle, dipped it in water three times and said - "You are now a new creation, your old one is gone. Your new name is "orange juice". and drank it in one gulp.

8. Mathematical Miracles...

Little Sameer who was a Hindu, was failing in math. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, but nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic School. "Those nuns are tough" they said.

Sameer was soon enrolled at St Mary's. After school on the very first day Sameer ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books and papers spread all over his room. Right after dinner, he ran upstairs without mentioning TV and hit the books harder than before. His parents were amazed.

This behavior continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. Sameer quietly laid the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened the report.

Sameer had an gotten an 'A' in math.! She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked,
"Sameer, how did this happen? Was it the nuns?"
"No" said Sameer. "On the first day of school when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around".

9. Irish Priest

An Irish priest Father O'Malley was transferred to Ballina Catholic Church. One morning he rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed that there was a Donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a Donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 10/01/13