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Marital Jokes-6

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Marital Jokes-6

1. The Practical Side of Life - Thoughts of men

Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2
The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too......

Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Thought 4
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... but not the poor groom!

2. Rules From Men's Side

We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
3. Crying is blackmail.
4. Ask for what you want.
5. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!     Just say it!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.
9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
10. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
12. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
13. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
17. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19. If you ask a question and you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
22. You have enough clothes.
23. You have too many shoes.
24. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
25. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

3. Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES - If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT - When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY - A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS - A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS - A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE - A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP - A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING - Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY -
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing over and over again!
So, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and can handle it .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

 
 

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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Contact: sushmajee@yahoo.com
Modified on 09/24/13