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General Jokes-5

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General Jokes-5

1. Funny Reply

Once, it happened in those days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility in India, an English woman came to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for "Water Closet". She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

The school master did not know much English so he asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered for its possible meanings and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house. They could never thought of a bathroom. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:--

"Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.

As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in that WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat and it was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.

My wife, sadly, has been ill for some time and has been unable to go there recently. It has been almost a year since she went there last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch there and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time.

I would recommend your ladyship that you plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. We are holding a bazaar also to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster"

2. It is Not the Drink...

A man was sitting in a bar. He was just looking at his drink but was not drinking it. Half an hour passed but he was still looking at his drink. In the meantime a truck driver came there and sat down next to him, took the drink from the man, and just drank it all down. As soon as he finished the drink, the poor man started crying.

The driver got very surprised at this, he said - "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not the drink. In fact today is the worst day of my life." "How."

The man said - "First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found that it was stolen. I went to police, they said they couldn't do anything. So I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was with my gardener. I left home and came to this bar. When I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you showed up and drank my poison ..."

3. Problem of Hearing

A man feared that his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought that she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he consulted his family Doctor and discussed the problem. The Doctor told him that it was very simple. There was a simple informal test he could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." "That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away now, let me see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asked - "Honey, what's for dinner?" There was no response.

So the husband moved to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moved into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asked again - "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he got no response. So he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there was no response. So he walked right behind her and asked - "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"James, I am saying this fifth time, it is CHICKEN."

4. Store's Policy

Man - "I'd like to buy some dog food."
Checkout Woman - "Do you have a dog?"
Man - "Yes."
Checkout Woman - "Where is he?"
Man - "He's at home."
Checkout Woman - "I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy."

Next day the man returns.
Man - "I'd like to buy some cat food."
Checkout Woman - "Do you have a cat?"
Man - "Yes."
Checkout Woman - "Well...where is she?"
Man - "She's at home."
Checkout Woman - "Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat. Store policy."

Next day the man returns and shows the checkout woman a small bag opening its mouth.
Checkout Woman - "What's in the bag?
Man - "Put your hand inside."
Checkout Woman - "Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it?"
Man - "I would like to buy some toilet paper."

5. Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

--You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
--There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
--You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go on the top floor, but you cannot come down except to exit the building, once you have gone up.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay there only, still she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor No 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as a proof that
"Women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the  building, and have a nice day!

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!

6. The Buffalo Theory...

In one episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here it is, for your enjoyment:

"Well, you see Norm, it's like this...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and herd of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And Norm, that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13