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Computer Jokes-4

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Computer Jokes-4

1. How I was Born?

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, How was I born?"
His dad, a software engineer, sighs and replies - "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have found out anyway!"

He continued - "Well, You see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a fire wall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got a Male'!"

2. How to Kill a Lion………………..

Cognizant Method:
1. Hire a lion… ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
2. Give him Gobi 65 to eat again and again.
3. Hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
4. Give them same Gobi 65 to eat
5. Hire 200 more……. and more …….

TCS method:
1. Hire a lion
2. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary
3. Lion dies of hunger and frustration.

Accenture Method:
1. Hire a lion….
2. Send him to Chennai, India
3. Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
4. Ask him to eat Idlee, Dosaa and Vadaa
5. No Hindi, Kannad or no other languages speaking people other than TAMIL…
6. No good food, No water..
7. And say him "Go ahead be a Tiger”.
8. Lion dies in confusion... Is he a Tiger or lion……?

IBM method:
1. Hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour …
2. He dies of unemployment…

Syntel Method :-
Hire a Cat ...
Assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and
Make sure that he never reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

MBT Method :
Hire the Lion,
Make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.
lion dies of the strain?

i-Flex method :
Hire a lion???. oops cow, not Lion
Tell him that he is a lion,
Send him in African safari for implementing flexcube in God forbidden territories,
Tell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion) holy cow dies in fear of the real lion.

COSL Method :
Hire a Lion .
Tell him to merge with Goats (Polaris) and reduce his allowance...
Lion dies from fear that tomorrow he might become a goat....

Wipro Method:
1. Hire a Lion
2. Give him a mail Id.
3. He will die receiving stupid mails all day……..!!!!

HUAWEI Method :
Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...
Give him work of 3 Lions
Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
No time for food and family, automatically die.

PATNI Method :
After joining when the Lion comes to know the full form of PATNI as Pathetic Appraisal Technique & No Increment
Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
He gets frustrated and dies slowly.

HCL Method:
1. Hire a few lions….
2. Make them to wait for more than one year for joining.
3. Send lions from NCR to Chennai and lions from Chennai to NCR.
4. Train the lions on Java/Dot net and ask them to join testing team.
5. Give lectures on “Lions First” and ask them buy books on “Lions First”.
6. Relocate the lions from one Zoo to another Zoo and tell them you are to going a better Jungle.
7. Send old lions to African Jungles (read – onsite) and never rotate them to Indian Zoo.
8. Old lions at Africa becomes king of the jungle.
9. Indian zoo lions becomes frustrated waiting for onsite and eventually joins any of the above jungles (TCS, IBM, Accenture etc)
10. Lion dies according to reasons appropriate for above mentioned jungles (TCS, IBM, Accenture etc).

Last but not the least

1. Hire a lion
2. Send him for training in Mysore and make him feel like the KING OF THE JUNGLE.
3. Make him take a 'Generic Compree Exam'…………LION TURNS INTO CAT
4. Make him take a 'Stream Compree Exam'………….CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE
5. Send him into production which has nothing to do with what he was trained for.
8. Send him mails telling about mandatory certifications.

**This is how software engineers die in India.**

3. Why Google is the Best Employer?

Ever wonder why Google staff prefer working long hours in the office rather than going home?

The Googleplex
Google Solar Array
Mountain View, California

Today, Google employs 20,223 people around the world, receiving a resume every 25 seconds from eager job-seekers, hiring an average of nine new employees a day.

--A full-size replica of Virgin Atlantic's Spaceship One (space tourist vehicle) hangs in the reception area.
--Exercise to work off the pounds, and the stress . . . Google has its own state-of-the- art gym . . . offering weight-training and a host of exercise machines, rowing machines, lockers and shower rooms, and two swim-in-place wave pools.
--Other perks include free haircuts, dry cleaning and laundry, child care, car services, chiropractors and five onsite doctors available for employee check-ups; all free of charge.
--Perhaps the most unusual bonus of all... employees can bring their dogs to work with them and keep the four-legged canine in their offices.
--We already know that working for Google has certain advantages, but, believe me,
this giant of a search engine takes the welfare of its employees seriously as shown by this decompression (stress) capsule that is impermeable to sound and light....
--Stress capsule - Moving around the complex: A slide allows quick access from different floors... There are also poles available... they are similar to the ones used in fire stations.
--Food - Employees can eat all they want for free from a vast choice of food and drink, whipped up by in-house chefs.
--Typical Google Lunch - Cookie set-up
--Work Station - Each employee has at least two large screens.
--There are 4-6 'Zooglers' per office.
--Innovation - Large boards are available just about everywhere because "ideas don't always come when seated in the office," says one of Google's managers.
--Leisure - Pool tables, video games, etc. are available in many areas.
--Communication - On each floor, there are private cabin areas where employees attend to personal affairs.
--Tech Stop - Having trouble with your computer? No problem...
Bring it to the area where drinks are available while it is being fixed...
--Health - Professional massage therapists are available.
--There are many books in this library....even some about programming!
--Rest ....View relaxing aquariums on massage chairs that you control ...
[August, 2010]

4. IT Consultant

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd: If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies: "Okay".

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the Ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."
The shepherd cheers, "that' s correct, you can have your sheep."
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks: "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?"
The young man answers, "Yes, why not".
The shepherd says, "You are an IT consultant."
"How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple," answers the shepherd, "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don't understand anything about my business..."
The IT consultant was looking at the shepherd surprisingly....

The shepherd continued, "Now can I have my DOG back?"


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Created by Sushma Gupta on May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13