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Computer Jokes-1

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Computer Jokes-1

1. Softwarism

Gandhism - You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.
Indiraism - You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.
Lalooism - You have two cows. You buy Rs 900 Crore worth of cattle feed for them.
Rajnikantism - You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.
Rajivism - You have two cows. You paint them both to get colorful milk.

Softwarism (Ultimate....) -

A client has 2 cows and you need to milk them ----

1. First prepare a document when to milk them. (Project kick off)
2. Prepare a document for how long you have to milk them. (Project plan)
3. Then prepare how to milk them. (Design)
4. Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them. (Framework)
5. Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the way in which u will milk them. (UI Mockups & POC)
6. If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2.
7. Otherwise, you actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with accessories. (Change framework)
8. Redo step 4.
9. At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)
10. Make sure that cow milks properly. (Testing)
11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.
12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls.
13. At last onsite milks them and send to the client. (Testing)
14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)
15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk.
16. Now the client says that the quality of milk is good but it is milking at slow rate. (Performance issue)
17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.
18. Client is happy???

By this time both the COWs are aged and you can't milk them.
(The software has got old so get ready for its next release - repeat from step 1)

2. Medical Technology

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he could go to a computerized machine at the drug store that can diagnose anything - quicker and cheaper than a doctor. He further said - "'Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, and it was really cheap, so he filled a bottle with his urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the machine, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Bill got very happy with the diagnosis.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled, so he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter, and to top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured the sample in and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noises and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

3. A Modern Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe) he started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him, so she appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual (according to that Panchtantra story), the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked - "Is this your computer?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied - "No" She again took a deep dip in the river and came out with a pocket-sized calculator. Showing it to him she asked if that was his. Somewhat annoyed, the engineer said - "No, not at all !!" Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all the three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her - "Don't you think that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own?"

The River Goddess replied angrily - "I know that and I did that, You stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium computers - the latest computers from IBM!". So saying, she disappeared with his Pentium!! He remained standing on the shore of the river for long time repenting on his own knowledge base.

If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a genius than to open your mouth and remove their all doubts.

4. About Computer Languages...

If the C wasn't there, we'd all be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL.

A Little-known magic fact:
The uri_escape() function is how the famed mentalist and spoon bender got out of the Soviet Union. See how useful Perl is?

5. Life Before Computers...

An 'application' was only for employment
A 'program' was a TV show
A 'cursor' used profanity
A 'keyboard' was a piano!

'Memory' was something that you lost with age
A 'CD' was a bank account
And if you had a '3 1/2 inch floppy'
You hoped nobody found out!

'Compress' was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you 'unzipped' anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

'Log on' was adding wood to a fire
'Hard drive' was a long trip on the road
A 'mouse pad' was where a mouse lived
And a 'backup' happened to your commode!

'Cut' - you did with a pocket knife
'Paste' you did with glue
A 'web' was a spider's home
And a 'virus' was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a 'computer crash'
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

6. Installing a Husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jeweler applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as Premier League 5.0, Six Nations 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?



Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "HTTP: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jeweler 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Organize, Automate, Track, Analyze, Manage and Improve your NPD process - InnovateEx.

Dear Desperate,
Don't waste your money to buy additional software like Food 3.0 or Hot Lingerie 7.7. Empirically all these software packages don't run longer than a week. Don't hope for any software to stop the malfunctioning "Husband 1.0". Either you accept that you fell for a bluff package - Husband1.0 has never been an update of Boyfriend 0.5 indeed both of them have nothing in common but gender, or you should consider to delete Husband1.0. How ever you decide, consider to install Pet 3.6. It runs perfectly, you can rely on it and it will always welcome you back home happily.
Yours Faithfully



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Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13