I found the following write up on a website of action-electronics.com
in 1998, but now it is not there. I liked it very much so I printed it
from there, and now I am reproducing it for those who missed it.
If IBM made Toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring
bread to be submitted for overnight toasting.
IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know
anything about it.
Or you could buy all the parts to build your own
If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called WarToast.
If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
If Oracle made Toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with
all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it
home, you'd discover the Bagel Engine was
still in development, the Croissant Extension was three
years away, and that indeed the whole appliance
was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a
really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the 80's, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which
takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tendem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece
got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it.
Their service department would have an
unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box
would be highly classified government
documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that
only the NSA could access in case they needed to get
at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the
single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist
toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters..
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a
hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted
Civil War pewter toaster.
If CostCo made toasters..
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack
And, of course :
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would
have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the
toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence
requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of
the space in your kitchen, would claim to be
the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you
want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made
them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good
bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does,
but 5 years earlier.