Miscellanea | General Jokes
1. Always be Proud of Your Product.
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained, talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, That's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said, "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.... What about your son?"
The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what
a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed at all.
He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was
two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends."
2. What Is Your Wish?
A young and ambitious, upwardly-mobile couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with multimillion- dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix them." The wife teed up and crashed it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost. Maybe we'll make some contacts"
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A bald man with beer-belly on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied, "We have come to apologize and compensate..."
"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asked, looking at the wife, measuring her up, he said - "I want a house in every country of the world," she chirped with excitement. "Consider it done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, O Genie?", the husband said.
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After he had thoroughly enjoyed himself, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife with satisfaction, and asked, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
3. Treatment of Hiccups
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the hell did you do that for?" the man screams.
4. One For You, And One For Me...
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Created by Sushma Gupta On May 27, 2001
Modified on 09/24/13