Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."

So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "Wow" thought Sam," that surgeon does excellent work"

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."

Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, icking goals. "Wow"
thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours."

So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."
Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very difficult."

The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, in fact he suffocated in that plastic bag!"

2. AIDS or Alzheimer?

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes? "
"Mrs Ward, please?"
"Yes, Speaking."

"Mrs Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease (related to memory) and the other one for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs Ward.
"Normally, Yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he remembers and finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

3. Bud Light...?

I went into my proctologist' s office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat Until the doctor could see me.

She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed That there were three items on a stand next to the exam table - a Tube of K-Y jelly, A rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam ..I know what the K-Y is for... And I know what the gloves are for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At this Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse ....   "Darn it, Evelyn, I said a BUTT LIGHT."

4. Mental Hospital Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.