1. Computers and God
Over the past several years, we have all learned to live with "voice
mail" as a necessary part of modern life. I was just wondering what would
happen if God decides to go hi-tech and installs a voicemail for Himslf? Consider
the various scenarios:
You dialed God's number and then you hear:--
"Hi! Thank you for calling God. Please select one of the following:
If you are Christian, dial 1
All Hindus, dial 2
All Muslims, dial 3
All others dial 0."
So, let's say you are a Hindu and you dialed 2. Here is what you hear:--
"Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thank you messages for God
Press 3 for Complaints about unfulfilled promises
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
If your prayers are still not answered, dial '0' and ask for Naarad Muni."
Or, if all gods were busy, you might hear this:--
"We are sorry; all gods are busy helping other Bhakt and sinners.
However, your prayer is important to us and your prayer will be answered in
the order it was received. Please stay on line. One of the gods will be with
Or, it could even go this way when you start praying:--
"If you know your God's extension, dial it now."
Or, you might hear this:--
If you would like to speak to Ganesh Ji, Press 1.
Lord Hanuman, Press 2.
Lord Krishn, Press 3.
Confess your sins, press 4.
Ask for favors, Press 5."
Or, you might even hear this:--
"You have reached Lord Krishn's extension. I am going to be away to conduct
a special Yuddh to save the humanity and will be away until the year 2012.
If this is something urgent and cannot wait until then, call Shankar Ji at
If you want to speak to someone else, then for other gods' directory,
Please press 6 now."
Or you might even hear something like this if you call toward the end of
your life cycle:--
"If you think you have reservations at our Heavenly Resort, please provide
your name, social security number and be ready to provide the proof of your
eligibility. If you do not have the proof of eligibility, please dial 420-HELL
and ask for its General Manager Raavan, who will be happy to help you."
Or, depending on the purpose of your call, you might hear this:--
"If you are calling to find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven,
Press 5, then enter his or her 'Mantra' number, then press the 0 key.
If you get a negative response, try area code 420-HELL."
For all you know in this day and age of quotas and all, you might even get a
response like this:--
"Our computer records show that you have already prayed once today. Please
hang up and try again tomorrow."
Or you might even here this if you call on the wrong day:--
"This Main Office of Heaven is closed for Divaalee holidays. If this is an
emergency, you may try our Himaalayan Retreat in the mean time by dialing
2. E-Mail from Heaven
A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from
her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
any condolence messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son was standing nearby, he rushed into the room, found
his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 28 July 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They gave me computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones,
hence this mail. I've just reached and have checked in..
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!
3. Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
D. Strange Smell__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers"
try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__No
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__